Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
