I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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