defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
