You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
