roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
