If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
