i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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