Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
