It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
