That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
