why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
