so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
