OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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