So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
