The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
