Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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