Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
