i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
