The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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