everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
