Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
