You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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