Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He shit in the fireplace
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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