I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
