I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
