My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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