Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
her vagine was all disorganized.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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