I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
