So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
