Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
