And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
