i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
porn star boner night. come get it.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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