I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
