Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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