i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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