Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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