On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize
