I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He better not be in your backpack
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Randomize
