He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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