Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
