I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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