I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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