Someone shit on the floor
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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