my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
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Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
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Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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