Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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