My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
