In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Can I color on your dick again?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
