shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
