I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
