We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
