Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
