Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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