i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
