Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
either way he was missing a nipple.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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