we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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