I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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