textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
