Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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